“Numb the dark and you numb the light.”
Brené Brown, Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead
Why do we battle ourselves every day? What are we hiding, stuffing, or avoiding? This is something I am trying to figure out and have been for years (25 years).
I get it we all have a past, some a bit more complicated that have resulted in affecting others lives in a way that you may not have realized until it was too late, and now I see them challenged due to my choices they had no control over.
I battle with the food issue every day, I know so many that deal with their craziness through other ways.
- Food
- Alcohol
- Drugs
- Phones
- Gaming
- Shopping
- Exercise
A battle is a battle. It is a control thing for sure. My mind is out of control and food is my go to and comfort even though I feel horrible when I eat crap. I try to convince myself that it is OK when I know it is not. The only way to move forward is to be willing to accept myself and know I needed help.
Knowing that "I am enough" is so easy to say but so hard to believe.
With all of these things swirling in my head I hit a point I need to do something for myself and not worry about the cost or the travel time to go. I would have paid way more than I did to attend this event as it was fantastic.
I found this amazing young woman on Instagram by the name of Danika Brysha (danikabrysha)
You must follow her! I highly recommend it. Talk about transparent.
She really has moved me in the right direction.
Danika does these brunch series at her home in Costa Mesa just south of LA, but still nasty traffic. A tent is set up in her yard that has Mexican blankets and tapestries on the ground to sit, lights line
the tent, and a large mirror (I'll get to that...). Food tables line the
outside of her adorable bungalow, Whole 30, vegetarian, and so
many beverages. Had my first Matcha made with some amazing
healthy products, not Starbucks sugar filled, over priced items.
I arrived early, shocking I know... that's the way I roll. I parked at the end of the street not wanting to get out of the car. I was going to this event not knowing anyone.This is a huge hurtle for me, but this
is also one of the things I am trying to conquer.. I texted Kurt as I
dropped him at one of the beaches in Laguna to hang out for 5 hours.
I let him know I was slithering out of the truck and heading in. I
arrived and checked in with the sweetest and accepting girls.
Got my packet and name tag and off I went to grab something to
drink as I was freaking out inside. I made my way to the tables
looking at all these amazing healthy products that I had wanted to
amazing and funky. At this point, I had to reach out to someone
and chat. I stepped out and chatted it up with a girl from the area
that had been to another event at this location the month before so
she filled me in to calm my mind as I need to know what I was
going into.
I took a seat by the opening of the tent as I am a freak like that and need to be by the exit or closet escape route. We all took our places and got comfortable for the "unknown". Danika introduced herself and told us her story which you can hear on this podcast with Amy Jo Martin WhyNotNow danikabrysha/ because I listened to the podcast a week earlier I knew the story and could relax a bit.
After her story we went around the tent and introduced ourselves and why we were here and what we wanted out of this. This is where it hit hard for me.
I always thought that I was alone in my struggle and my feelings and I was not worthy of love, friends, or anything good. These women I was under the tent with all had the same or similar stories of self-worth, food issues, abuse both physical and mental, and guilt.
The quick 1 minute introductions of each of us brought us all to a place of acceptance and understanding. Finally, I felt "normal" and not at a place of always looking for that one person that could relate. Here was a whole "room" of women struggling and knowing Danika had 6 sessions of this event there were many many more like me.
When it finally got to be my turn to speak I had a rush of so many things I could have said and had a plan but that got swept away in that mind rush. Here is where the mirror comes in.
"My name is Jill and I just recently moved from NH to San Diego and left behind everything I knew my comfort zone and friends. I can relate to all of what was said before me but my goal is to be able to look in the mirror and like what I see. Not look at it as I do every day to do my hair and makeup but love who is looking back at me. No shame, guilt, or disgust. I want to have that person in the mirror smile back at me and know that I AM ENOUGH and WORTHY of love."
Yeah... that.
The next step we did was go through our social media and scroll through and get rid of anything or anyone that makes you feel bad about yourself or that bring up the feeling of negativity. Happy to say I only got rid of a few on Facebook and IG. Mostly IG, fitness people and people I know living double lives that look so photo-shopped and pretty but actually is a shit show in real life. All the filters in the world can't hide the truth. Although I do love X-ProII filter.
The day went on with conversation, food and the last page of the workbook. I suggest you try this. Talk about mind-blowing. Pass the Kleenex!
A Love Letter to Myself. This will make you really look at yourself and get you to realize how shitty you have treated yourself.
I am still working on this letter. Danika asked if people wanted to read what they had written out loud in front of the mirror. No freak'n way. Someday, yes, but I was super anxious at this point and couldn't event focus on finishing this part. I will complete it this weekend and maybe read it to Kurt but the mirror might take a few weeks.
Two things I took from this event was, I am not alone in my struggle and if people were just more transparent that we could connect more and support each other. I have had a few people tell me I am too open with things and has caused me to not share or reach out recently, but I am over that. If they don't like it that is their deal, unfollow me or detach from me, I am ok with that...I think :)
The second thing is, Acknowledging emotions as they are just “visitors” and not permanent. We need to feel our feeling, anxiety, anger, hurt, sadness and stop trying to stuff them with food, alcohol, drugs, gaming , shopping, screen time and so on. Feel the feels! Face what is the issue!
You would think at 48 years old that I would have things sorted out. I am done with baggage from the past, done with pleasing others, done with enabling, done with the guilt and shame.
DONE.
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